Saturday, January 29, 2011

Adrift at Sea

Floating in a leaking dinghy for months on end is not what I’d envisioned for my life after the passing of Erin. Not really sure what I expected during this period of transition but somehow this isn’t it. Nobody really knows or comprehends the depth of their grief until it happens and then all preconceived notions are tossed onto the scrap heap.  Now I huddle alone seeking protection from the elements while the choppy sea washes over me and believe me, I’m all alone and only my creator has the power to rescue me. Family, friends, and trained professionals while able to offer temporary relief are truly incapable of saving me from this raging storm. In the end, it will come down to making a pact with God and agreeing to a peaceful resolution.

The dangers are prevalent in the sea of sorrow while the vessel is barely sea-worthy. It appears that I’m unable to change the course of direction or fight the crashing massive waves due to a lack of oars so I drift along with the tides or get pounded into the rocks lurking below the surface. Neither alternative is very appealing but it beats the option of throwing myself overboard, so I’ll continue to bide my time and count my blessings that I’m still alive. Eventually, the boat will run ashore where I’ll discover a source of happiness and contentment or it will capsize and drag me to the bottom. Whatever fate is destined for me remains unknown but I gladly accept the outcome over this stressful taxing burden placed upon my shoulders.

Unfortunately, I’m evolving into one of those folks who I’ve always felt sympathy and pity for and that is the worst result of this miserable experience. Nevertheless I absolutely refuse to become part of the masses that lack passion for life, the walking zombies who are void of any feelings and the emotionally scarred who lack love for anything including themselves. Personally, I’d rather have my ashes mixed with Erin’s and spread in a designated spot than wasting my time going through the motions of a lackluster life. The loss of a beloved friend can cast one out to sea without warning or proper provisions while the grieving must locate a safe harbor amidst the raging storm or perish trying. To date, I’ve weathered the fury of the storm but battered and disheartened I remain as there’s no shoreline in sight nor any hope of the gales dying down. Memories of my angel Erin continue to fuel my beating heart and although it’s broken, it’s still beating.  Thank you for continuing to uplift me!!


  1. David,
    The tides of life rise and fall. And whether it be late or soon, we learn in the fullness of time that there will be joy and sorrow; peace and crises; sunshine and darkness. These tides have risen and fallen since the beginning of time, and will continue to do so until the end of time.
    Day after day we are carried along, rejoicing in the crests of glorious incoming tides – until, perhaps in the single shattering moments, the tide recedes. Scattered along the shore is our broken spirit, the wreckage of a dream, or the loss of one without whom life seems unendurable.
    Yet as certain as the turning of the tide is the fulfillment of God’s promises that as yesterday was, and as today is, there will be a tomorrow.

    Love and prayers,

  2. You are a person of strong character...with God at your side helping to guide your vessel, just stay and endure the course...the waters will slowly begin to get calmer and calmer until once again peace washes over you and your heart begins to feel joy once more.

    You're right...the loss of a dear friend can be almost unbearably painful, casting one out into a sea of painful emotions. I admire your prayers will be with you that this time of sorrow, this dark night, will end and a new sunrise of beginnings will dawn in your life.


  3. Thank you both for the words of encouragement. Hopefully one day I'll be able to emerge from the fog and resume a normal life, it seems like a lifetime ago since I've had enjoyment in my life. I just keep going the motions of life as I patiently wait for God to call me home, at this point death is a better option. Appreciate the prayers!!

  4. David, your experience is one that I've lived through several times. Saying goodbye to a furry friend is never easy, and it does put us into a limbo period. I think that what you're doing here with this blog is healthy, because you're being mindful of your emotions, feeling the true feelings and figuring out those next steps to take.

    I've often said this about difficult times:

    "The good news is, I didn't die from it. The bad news is, I didn't die from it."

    Both can be true at various times! Light does exist, and you're finding your way there. Foggy conditions will visit occasionally, but that persistent and loving Light will burn the fog away. :)



  5. Dawn

    Thanks for the comment and insightful words. As you say the fog is slowly burning away but for me, it's going to be a long road back. There have been so many times I wished to be dead too, sometimes the pain is too difficult to deal with. Thanks again!!



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