Sunday, January 16, 2011

Worth the pain

Peering into the window of my heart one discovers that I'm still suffering with pain and grief after the passing of my beloved friend Erin. The struggle to maintain control of my life is a constant battle as internal and exterior factors weight heavily upon my shoulders while I try my best to not collapse under the tremendous pressure. I'm unsure if the severity of the grief was what I anticipated in advance of Erin's transition as it's a subject which was avoided like the plague. My mind never allowed foreboding thoughts to surface regarding  her and never did I expect her departure to precede mine, somehow I figured she was to outlive me or we were supposed to cross the bridge together. Our hearts were meshed in life and not equipped to survive alone alas that's the unpleasant situation I'm facing now.

Grieving erodes the body and weakens the heart til eventually the sum of parts cease operation. It's a difficult hurdle to overcome as there's no magical pill, no written word, and no support network that can ensure your survival beyond today, all one has is a desire to live and an urge to witness another sunrise. I've endured life without Erin and endure is an accurate word as the time has been brutally difficult in many ways but I'm still above ground and I'm so proud to be among the living. The hurt and agony will not go away anytime soon, that much I'm positive of but least the discomfort alerts me to the fact....Hey you're alive and you're feeling something. August 16 is when the world became completely void of colors while shades of black and gray emerged from their dark recesses but now somehow I must discover a method of infusing glimmering colors into my life.

Walking down the pathway alone is a terrifying thought and a nightmare come true but this difficult challenge is accepted. While I'm bruised and battered and often feel like throwing in the towel that's not an option as a ray of sunshine will pierce the clouds in future days. Life can be unbearable when a deep loss occurs but it's so worth the pain. 12 glorious years and a million great memories with Erin is so worth the sorrow and pain that I'm currently feeling. The time alongside my fur angel were the greatest days of my life and no amount of internal agony will ever make me regret the decision to include her in my life. It's been said "With deep love comes deep pain" and if that's true, then I must have loved Erin as no one has loved before. The ache and sorrow will fade over time but the memory of her unwavering affection will forever be etched upon my heart.

Erin, I miss you more than words can express and hurting unbelievably but your love was so worth it and I'd do it again in a heartbeat!! RIP Erin!!

Life is eternal and love is immortal; And death is only a horizon, And a horizon is nothing save the limit of our sight. - Rossiter W. Raymond

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