Saturday, January 1, 2011

Dangerous Emotions


2011 entered my life as I was sleeping soundly on the couch while the television blared and the lights shone brightly overhead. During my wine-xanax mixer I drifted off to sleep on the sofa as was my intention throughout this course of action. The holiday season has been brutal on my well-being and it's taken a heavy toll on many facets of my life...physically, emotionally, mentally, etc. Yesterday evening, thoughts of Erin and ushering in a new year was really more than my body could handle and unfortunately the bottoming of my emotions took place while I was in a public establishment enjoying a cup of tea. More times than not I'm donning sunglasses and a hat pulled down low thus nobody knows an emotional breakdown is underway in their vicinity.

All I could do was make a hasty retreat to my vehicle where bawling like a baby is the onset of a dangerous downward spiral. I've shed so many tears in my car since Erin's death that the total count of drops is beyond commutation for a mere mortal, all I know is tear stained tissues and napkins are routinely discarded from the car. I know myself too well and what I'm capable of and when my emotions sink to their lowest depths then all precautions must be taken to preserve my existence thus sleep is the best available option. Me shutting my eyes and drifting off to sleep is the most effective means of self-preservation regardless if it's alcohol and pill induced.

I'm well aware of the dangers of mixing various substances but I consider it the lesser of two evils as it beats the other options lurking inside my head. Day by day and even moment by moment is how I'm surviving life and will continue to be my status quo for quite awhile until the sunshine overwhelms the darkness. I'm going to continue to do whatever is required of me to survive the burden placed upon me but if God calls me home in the near future, it's really okay and I'm totally happy with the life presented to me. I'm not suicidal and feel I have much to accomplish in the future so please save me the suicide talk!!

Thank you for being my friend and showing kindness to Erin!! Have a Happy 2011!!

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