Friday, January 21, 2011

Incapable of Accepting Truth

Erin's passing is really surreal to me, I find it difficult to accept the fact that she isn't roaming the earth in a physical state. This entire scenario is my worse nightmare come true but in this dream, I'm not waking up nor do I know when that time will come. So many memorable experiences with Erin consume my thoughts as I attempt to rationalize her absence in my mind; maybe she is lounging in the backyard, at Mrs Lori's house getting groomed, or at the vet's office waiting for me to pick her up. The list of fabricated reasons why she isn't by my side is much better than the dreaded alternative. While my denial of Erin's passing isn't healthy or beneficial in any way, it doesn't matter as long as it keeps me alive for another day. 

The manner and timing of her departure is not what I envisioned in my idyllic picturesque setting though I'm aware no one gets to choose the moment or circumstances of their loved ones demise. Somehow I just believed there would be more time; another romp on the beach, additional hours stalking squirrels, one more evening lounging on the couch, and just another day of being best friends. I realize Erin isn't going to sprint through the doggie door to greet me upon returning from work but that doesn't mean I have to welcome the news with open arms so I'll continue to resist the obvious truth.

Maybe I'm hoping God will realize how much pain this mistake has caused me and he will reverse the damage done to Erin and myself. I'm sure this is all a huge blunder and this emotional breakdown was supposed to be directed at animal abusers and other reprehensible wretches who bring misery to their pets. Certainly my creator knows that I wasn't ready to let her go as we had a few more years together and everyone knows kids (consider Erin my flesh and blood) aren't supposed to pass away before their parents. Life will proceed as before but I'm not fully participating til further notice. Work, eat, write, sleep, etc is the norm and that's okay with me. I don't agree with the higher powers decision to end Erin's life but what can I do. Nowhere to go but up from here!!!

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