Thursday, January 6, 2011
Toll of Grief
Broken physically, emotionally, and mentally. That's an accurate description of my current state and unless a miracle is delivered, I'm not expecting a change in condition anytime soon. Honestly, I don't understand how I've slipped to this level as many attempts at improving my status has been initiated by myself or at the urging of another. All three facets of my life are in need of a serious overhaul but what society deems necessary steps to correct them have failed. I've seen my primary physician more in the past several months than the previous decade of being treated by him. In the days following Erin's death, I collapsed and fainted twice from the weight of it all and from that point, my body has deteriorated to the point of where it's so disheartening. I will spare you the gory medical details but a person can handle being physically ill only so much before the bottom falls completely out.
There is no magic pill or cure all for what is ailing me because if there was I would have tried it already. Chit chatting with a therapist is of little value in my eyes as I don't need a stranger to proclaim how special my relationship with Erin was or how she'd want me to be happy. I'm well aware of the talking points and nothing would make me happier than to regain control of my life. What the body desires isn't always in agreement with what the mind prefers so a fierce battle takes place but unfortunately for me, both my body and mind are taking a hiatus and chaos is raging inside of me. I'm doing the best I can under the circumstances and trying to stay afloat for as long as I'm able. Many people really don't understand the process of grieving and my words are discounted but my true supporters know what I'm dealing with. My goal of being able to cope on a daily basis without hurting in some fashion is really all I'm seeking at this time. In the meantime, the battle with the demons will continue as they push me towards the abyss but I'll do my best to survive this war and believe me, it's an all out battle for my life. Thank you so much to my family and friends for the continued support and believing in me, hope I don't disappoint you!! RIP Erin!! Daddy loves you!!