Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Broken Within

A fractured heart is not easily mendable after a devastating loss nor do I believe it's possible to make it whole again. While we can all proceed with our lives and discover love in some fashion or another, there will always be an ever present void. Eventually, a layer of scar tissue will build up where the pain exists and the ache will be reduced to a tolerable level but it will never truly disappear. Half of my heart died when Erin's heart ceased to beat and I'm doubtful if it will be fully restored to the condition before she passed away. To pour your love, friendship, and every emotion possible into one breathing creature for so long is a crushing blow when that loved one is not around. It’s one thing to love casually but to love without limitations makes a loss so much more difficult to overcome.

How many people truly love without a net and do so knowing the fall could kill them? I still recall a friend mentioning to me how I’ll be so devastated when Erin dies as she could see how close we were. All I could really do at that time was shrug my shoulders while changing the subject as I’d never really imagined my life without my fur friend and that was a forbidden topic. Years later, as I recall that brief conversation, she was right on target as it has been a devastating loss in so many ways and the fall could easily have ended my life. My will to survive outweights the alternatives so I'll continue to trudge through life searching for answers in this Erin-less world.

In the words of Pink Floyd, ‘Comfortably Numb’ is how I’m living my life these days. Trying to survive one day at a time as I inch closer toward the time when Erin will greet me and eternity will be spent in glorious happiness. Not sure what tomorrow holds and personally I don’t care as it doesn’t matter but today there’s me, a shattered heart, a wounded spirit, and a body that is physically imploding. Everybody should be so lucky to love (human or animal) without boundaries, fears, or hesitation as I did and if the fall kills you, least a chance was taken. The cost of true love is pain and I’m definitely paying the ultimate price but it was so worth it for nearly 12 amazing years with my fur angel. RIP Erin!!!

Life is a great sunrise.
I do not see why death should not be an even greater one.
-Vladimir Nobokov


  1. I can so feel your pain David. The love of my life, Bingo, my Apso, died in my arms when I was trying frantically to make his heart beat right! In the last helpless second before he passed away, I thought if he drank some water he may feel better. I ordered him to drink and he obeyed (habitually). That was the last time he had to and then closed his eyes forever...

  2. David, I am so scared after reading your post. I have a beautiful Dalmatian, she is 7 years old and I love her like my daughter, if anything were to happen to her, can't even imagine your pain.
    "Everybody should be so lucky to love (human or animal) without boundaries, fears, or hesitation as I did and if the fall kills you, least a chance was taken." Your words are beautiful.


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