Sunday, April 24, 2011
Time Heals All
The old adage "Time heals all" is an interesting saying and one that I believe is not entirely true as it pertains to me. While the passing of days will help soothe the pain, mend the heart, and slow the cascade of tears; the dull hollowed out ache inside continues and there's no guarantee that feeling with ever go away. The not so distant memories of a shattered heart, the eruption of tears at a moment’s notice and the dark film that layers life in general still haunt me and while those conditions have improved greatly with the tick-tocking of the clock, I wonder if they'll completely disappear as the years roll by.
I try to envision my life a year from now, 5 years, and even 20 years from this point and imagine what shape my heart and emotional psyche will be in from the aftermath of Erin's passing. There's no telling what pitfalls await me on the road to wellness but I believe life will be pretty good for the most part. That said, I expect my heart will never fully heal no matter the amount of time elapsed, how would it when half of it was taken away. Talking to others who have experienced major grief and reading books on the subject tell me I'm correct in my assumption, one never heals in full but the cut will scab over so it's tolerable.
As if on cue a perfect example of how I'm still vulnerable just occurred at a local coffee shop where this post is being written, guess these incidents happen for a reason. A lady whom I've seen around for years but have never spoken to approached the table and asked me "Don't you have a dog, I never see you without it?" What a punch in the stomach in addition to a shock to the system as this nameless woman asked about Erin, 8 months ago after her departure. So many days have passed and to have strangers still inquiring about her whereabouts chokes me up, it's difficult to not shed a few tears as I relay the news of her death. The abruptness of these inquiries always catches me off guard, remind me how sensitive a subject her passing remains, and reinforces the fact that my angel is truly departed. While it stings to speak of her passing, I've discovered it really is a compliment as folks rarely saw me without Erin.
A portion of my heart will never be touched again as that's where my love and other emotions for Erin reside. There is a void carved out by a million memories, so many shared smiles over a 12 year period and unconditional eternal love that time will never be able to fully fill in. My sorrow will certainly be eased by loving others and future loves will own a piece of my heart in the process but I'll forever have sacred ground where no one else is able to tread but my fur angel. If I live a thousand lifetimes and experience a million loves, there will always be a tinge of pain as I long for another special lifetime with Erin. RIP Erin!!
"The past is never dead, it is not even past. " ~William Faulkner