Missing someone is the easy part about grieving; it’s a natural process that requires no effort on anyone’s behalf other than inhaling and exhaling. The difficult aspect is acknowledging future days will never be the same again and that realization is a bitter pill to swallow. Every facet of life is rearranged, altered, or eliminated from the moment our loved one ceases to breathe, and despite the bucket of tears nothing will ever be the same again. Soon after Erin’s passing it was discovered that trips to the grocery store, walks in the park, work schedule, house decorating, social events, etc were all accomplished in a different manner. It’s a very somber thought knowing my remaining days on earth are permanently transformed and never ever will life measure up to the glorious days of the past 12 years.
It’s irrelevant if you are ready or not for the train barreling down the track as the brakes are off and the sorrow locomotive is heading in your direction. When the time arrives, there will be no denying the fact you’re in a grieving state but the larger issue will be whether the engulfing sadness is accepted or flatly rebuffed. This decision will have a major impact upon recovery time as eventually all must be broken upon the rocks of agony and only then can the body truly begin to repair itself. As for me, it was a decision in which there was no alternative as I was going to mourn Erin with the intensity and duration that was befitting for such a loving loyal friend.
I was never going to be one of those folks who lost a friend and put on a stoic face while pretending life hadn’t changed one iota as I was certainly going to mourn the creature that had given so much to me. How anyone can suffer a deep emotional loss while not mourning for the deceased is unthinkable to me but I guess people are wired differently and they can conceal the pain in a little corner of the mind. Eventually though, that box of unresolved emotions will open and those grief issues will tumble out in a messier state than before. I’ve found that in facing this directly instead of burying my head in the sand as former friends suggested was the best thing I could have done, thus there will be no lingering feelings of guilt in my heart.
If I had to suffer through a thousand deaths of Erin, a thousand occurrences of sorrow would overtake me as my love for my beloved friend will never be trivialized or diminished. The manner in which I have mourned the passing of my angel has always been respectful and with the intention of exalting my beloved friend. If there’s anything I was born to do, it was to be Erin’s loyal friend and spread word of her exploits as world traveler, therapy dog, church attendee, and stage dog: she was certainly a special dog and is missed by many. As the days pass, my tears become less frequent as joyful memories begin to erase the pain and in time, I expect to have nothing but fond recollections but until that day, please allow me to shed a tear for my departed angel.
“When we lose one we love, our bitterest tears are called forth by the memory of hours when we loved not enough.” ~ Maurice Maeterlinck