Wednesday, December 22, 2010
End of the rope
From the moment the sun set upon Erin's life, it's been a daily struggle to maintain control of my life and to find motivation for continuing this journey. I've been open minded and receptive to the solutions that society deems acceptable for folks mired in complicated grief...medical intervention, therapy sessions, religious services, and a variety of drugs. At the end of the day nothing is changed and my heart has a gaping hole in it. I do not need an expert to tell me how special my time with Erin was as I experienced it everyday for nearly 12 years and I won't take a drug that numbs me to the point of being unable to shed a tear.
Talking to friends about the issues and writing about ny relationship with Erin has provided the most therapy during this time. Eventually though, folks tire of listening to other's problems as they have their own worries in life and the afflicted are left to their own devices. That's human nature and it's understandable. If you believe folks don't comprehend the depth of grief for a human, wait until you experience the loss of a beloved pet. Most people really have no clue as to the heartbreak associated with an animal and consider them replacable objects but from the early stages of my life with Erin, she was my reason for existing in this world.
No one knows what the future holds but our creator in heaven but I'm maintaining hope for the future. Sometimes I believe God will call me home soon to ease my suffering but then I think he inflicts pain to teach us life lessons for future battles. Regardless of the circumstances involving Erin's death and my eternal pain, this is a no win situation for all involved. There are only so many knots in a rope til one falls into the abyss, question is how many do I have left. RIP Erin!!