Adrift at Sea

Floating in a leaking dinghy for months on end is not what I’d envisioned for my life after the passing of Erin. Not really sure what I expected during this period of transition but somehow this isn’t it. Nobody really knows or comprehends the depth of their grief until it happens and then all preconceived notions are tossed onto the scrap heap.  Now I huddle alone seeking protection from the elements while the choppy sea washes over me and believe me, I’m all alone and only my creator has the power to rescue me. Family, friends, and trained professionals while able to offer temporary relief are truly incapable of saving me from this raging storm. In the end, it will come down to making a pact with God and agreeing to a peaceful resolution.

The dangers are prevalent in the sea of sorrow while the vessel is barely sea-worthy. It appears that I’m unable to change the course of direction or fight the crashing massive waves due to a lack of oars so I drift along with the tides or get pounded into the rocks lurking below the surface. Neither alternative is very appealing but it beats the option of throwing myself overboard, so I’ll continue to bide my time and count my blessings that I’m still alive. Eventually, the boat will run ashore where I’ll discover a source of happiness and contentment or it will capsize and drag me to the bottom. Whatever fate is destined for me remains unknown but I gladly accept the outcome over this stressful taxing burden placed upon my shoulders.

Unfortunately, I’m evolving into one of those folks who I’ve always felt sympathy and pity for and that is the worst result of this miserable experience. Nevertheless I absolutely refuse to become part of the masses that lack passion for life, the walking zombies who are void of any feelings and the emotionally scarred who lack love for anything including themselves. Personally, I’d rather have my ashes mixed with Erin’s and spread in a designated spot than wasting my time going through the motions of a lackluster life. The loss of a beloved friend can cast one out to sea without warning or proper provisions while the grieving must locate a safe harbor amidst the raging storm or perish trying. To date, I’ve weathered the fury of the storm but battered and disheartened I remain as there’s no shoreline in sight nor any hope of the gales dying down. Memories of my angel Erin continue to fuel my beating heart and although it’s broken, it’s still beating.  Thank you for continuing to uplift me!!

Lending a Paw to Children

As a certified therapy dog team, Erin and myself had the privilege of being involved in various events with the youth of Savannah and it was always special as young minds were positively impacted. The Islands Library Dog Days Program was designed to enhance the reading skills of children with the belief, reluctant kids are more comfortable reading to a sweet dog than their demanding parents.  Many Wednesday afternoons were spent driving towards the library while a recently groomed Erin let the rushing wind pelt her smiling face in the backseat.  Upon arrival at our destination, it was time to sniff the outdoors perimeter for hints of fellow canines and intruding felines while taking care of nature’s business.  

Entering the library before the scheduled session allowed Erin to greet and say “hello” to the many patrons at the computer stations, browsing the shelves, or idly wasting time. If the onlookers showed a keen interest in dogs, I’d lead her in their direction for a meet and greet where they always wanted to know “how come your dog can come inside?” After this meeting of the public, we made our way to a carpeted room designated for the program where I staked out the area we would occupy for the next hour plus.  Erin’s favorite doggie blanket was unfurled and that’s where I plopped down while my faithful friend sprawled out next to me. Several fellow therapy dogs always joined in on the fun and together we waited for the youngsters and their parents to arrive.

While parents sat in chairs against the walls, the aspiring readers strolled over to a long folding table where books selected specifically for the program were standing upright. Some bashfully grabbed the nearest title while others contemplated their choices until an exasperated guardian implored them to make up their mind in this lifetime. Meanwhile Erin sat impatiently beside me on the blanket knowing the kids were coming our way soon. With book in hand, the children then chose a dog who they wished to read to and it all came down to personal preference based upon cuteness, size, color, furriness, gender, etc.  One at a time, the students ranging in age from five to early teens sat upon the blanket for introductions and then attempted to recite the written words to Erin at their own leisure

The oldest easily read their picture book while beginning readers struggled with every word and that’s when Erin and I guided them to success.  Of course, for most youngsters this was an excuse to lie near, stroke the fur, or pay attention to a furry beast and she was never one to refuse a scratch upon the head, a hug around the neck, or having those droopy ears massaged. While they read, many held a freckled paw, or rested her head upon their laps while hilariously, some said “Erin pay attention” or “Your dog isn’t following the story”. I’d assure them that she’s paying attention and loves this story, please continue.  All children who read to Erin received a bookmark of their favorite color and they absolutely loved them, it was a big deal to collect them all.

Those children who struggled with reading at school or home due to expectations become comfortable around Erin as they realized she’s not judgmental nor will she utter a disparaging remark, all she will do is be a friend and patiently listen. For one hour a week, those that desired to improve their skills at reading lined up to tell Erin a tale. It was a special time as progress was made, parents made positive comments, and enthusiasm grew. To her, these gatherings were about extra loving but to everyone else, she was performing a valuable service to the child, family, and community. Hopefully, her impact will continue to be felt for years to come. I’m very proud of the sway my fur angel made in the lifes of many children, she did very well!!!

Broken Within

A fractured heart is not easily mendable after a devastating loss nor do I believe it's possible to make it whole again. While we can all proceed with our lives and discover love in some fashion or another, there will always be an ever present void. Eventually, a layer of scar tissue will build up where the pain exists and the ache will be reduced to a tolerable level but it will never truly disappear. Half of my heart died when Erin's heart ceased to beat and I'm doubtful if it will be fully restored to the condition before she passed away. To pour your love, friendship, and every emotion possible into one breathing creature for so long is a crushing blow when that loved one is not around. It’s one thing to love casually but to love without limitations makes a loss so much more difficult to overcome.

How many people truly love without a net and do so knowing the fall could kill them? I still recall a friend mentioning to me how I’ll be so devastated when Erin dies as she could see how close we were. All I could really do at that time was shrug my shoulders while changing the subject as I’d never really imagined my life without my fur friend and that was a forbidden topic. Years later, as I recall that brief conversation, she was right on target as it has been a devastating loss in so many ways and the fall could easily have ended my life. My will to survive outweights the alternatives so I'll continue to trudge through life searching for answers in this Erin-less world.

In the words of Pink Floyd, ‘Comfortably Numb’ is how I’m living my life these days. Trying to survive one day at a time as I inch closer toward the time when Erin will greet me and eternity will be spent in glorious happiness. Not sure what tomorrow holds and personally I don’t care as it doesn’t matter but today there’s me, a shattered heart, a wounded spirit, and a body that is physically imploding. Everybody should be so lucky to love (human or animal) without boundaries, fears, or hesitation as I did and if the fall kills you, least a chance was taken. The cost of true love is pain and I’m definitely paying the ultimate price but it was so worth it for nearly 12 amazing years with my fur angel. RIP Erin!!!

Life is a great sunrise.
I do not see why death should not be an even greater one.
-Vladimir Nobokov

Angel in Fur

                Angel in Fur

From the beginning to the very end

You were always a faithful friend

It’s impossible to find truer love

As you were sent from heaven above

As a puppy you entered my life

Where you helped ease the strife

Together over the days and years

We shared so many smiles and tears

Side by side step by step

At friendship you were adept

Never once did you fail to inspire

Even as situations became dire

Through thick and thin

You always had a paw to lend

Over the miles across the sea

You never wavered in loyalty

You possessed beauty inside and out

Charm and charisma were never in doubt

That beaming smile lit up the sky

It was so difficult to say goodbye

Wish we had another day

As there’s much love to convey

Yearn for another night

So I could embrace you tight

Soon we’ll be together again

Oh how I miss you my friend

Keep a constant watch over me

Our love’s flame will burn eternally

Erin Oct 1998 – Aug 2010



European Snow Dog

Erin's introduction to snow came upon arrival at Frankfurt International Airport in Germany. There was no hesitation or displeasure as the white flakes floated downward and covered her from head to tail but after an exhausting day of travel from Savannah to Deutschland with a layover at JFK, she was game for anything but reentering the crate. Born and residing in Southeast Georgia definitely limited her chances of seeing any snowfall other than a few flurries but spending two harsh winters in Europe made up for that deficiency without a doubt. Despite her lack of experience in a winter wonderland, she was quite adept at running aimlessly, chasing her canine friends, pursuing rabbits, and casually relaxing during a heavy snowfall. I'm chalking the fearlessness and instinct up to those hardy Springer Spaniel genes.

One of our neighborhood haunts in Germany, Luisenpark in Mannheim provided a vast open expanse where dogs could run to their hearts content and the assembled gathering of canines fetched balls, sticks, and other objects while avoiding the multitude of children racing down the hill on sleds and toboggans. Erin loved rolling onto her back and squirming with pleasure as she displayed a broad grin and then she'd return upright to shake out the fur-trapped snow. It was great to be a dog in a snow caked land. She always made friends with the foreign brethren and playing tug of war while being pelted by a deluge of snow was great fun for her . An exhilarating game of chase regularly took place with a billowing trail of snow thrown upwards for the trail dogs to inhale, it was good to be the lead dog. Rabbit chasing proceeded year round despite the weather conditions and even a total whiteout couldn't deter Erin from her internal drive.

While she displayed no hesitation about participating in outdoor activities, Erin learned there were limitations and hazards during these periods as the green grass became blanketed by a coat of ice crystals. While trotting along or sniffing her way across a field, often she would sink up to her belly in an apparent bottomless pit of snow. I'd attempt to call her back to my side but occasionally she couldn't move because of newly formed snow boots, so with arms wrapped around her mid-section she would be hoisted out and carried to a safe zone. Snowdrifts we could tolerate but the ice and slush was another story altogether. Hidden ice along our walking routes provided a headache as Erin tumbled to the ground unexpectedly but promptly she would spring to her feet, crack a smile, and look up to say "What the heck?" The slush was a major hindrance to fun as Erin's underbelly became completely soaked if she unfortunately fell through a patch of thin ice or stepped into the pool of icy water while not paying attention. Upon arrival back at out apartment, she would always shake off the excess water and melting snow covering her coat while I'd fetch a towel to dry her off completely.

Erin had an amazing time romping around in the snow and despite her inexperience in the conditions, proved she was a natural winter dog. I can't recall any instances when she was miserable from the sub-freezing temperatures and ever suppressing whiteness. Across 12 European countries, the snow crunched under her paws, her nose circulated the continuous flakes, and her liver colored patches was turned pale by winters wrath. It was a great time in her life, she had endless amounts of fun, and never did she lose that mesmerizing smile. RIP Erin!!