Question of Faith

My faith in the wake of Erin's passing was given close scrutiny, everything I knew or thought I knew about God was examined from every angle. Religious aspects were not alone under the microscope; they joined family, friends, society, attending veterinarians and most of all...myself. Out of pain, sorrow, and grief must come clarity and a reason for why she perished; answers had to be discovered and somebody had to bear the brunt of my scorn. For me it's not enough that she passed away but who is responsible for snatching her away from me and could anything be done to prevent that unfortunate event.

I believe that God breathes life into every living creature inhabiting this planet and without his blessing we would all fail to exist; that's my belief, the doctrine I maintain and for myself it's what I put my faith into. Erin was supposed to live forever or at least that was my intent, never was any thought given to her demise, my life revolved around enjoying every day with her and not looking forward to a future alone. After the initial shock and grief of death comes the realization that something bigger must keep me afloat or succumb to temptation, there are many traps on the path to enlightenment and many have dire consequences for me.

I've read in articles on grief that the grieving often lash out at God and religion for the deaths of their loved ones but I didn't take this approach of anger and instead my sorrow galvanized my bond with Christ. Answers have been sought out but never has there been any fits of rage where I cussed or belittled my creator for the position I currently find myself, he has a plan and in that my trust is placed. My spiritual response is one of thanks for nearly 12 fabulous years, I feel incredibly blessed in my relationship with Erin, it was the pinnacle of my life, and I'm grateful to God for the cherished time together. Often I let him know how thankful I feel for everything, to please watch over her until the glorious day of my arrival, and to sprinkle glimmers of her presence onto my life.

My eternal reunion with Erin hinges solely upon my relationship with God and the only avenue to one is via the other. As touched upon in other posts, I truly believe that beloved pets are in heaven awaiting our arrival and while the details are unknown to mere mortals, if he desires animals in heaven then they will be there. Prayer and times of reflection bring me closer to God and in these moments of solace I also feel a connection to Erin, pictures of them together brings comfort during stormy times. When everyone else deserts me it's good to know I can put my faith in the all-mighty, instead of fleeing from him I sought him out to gain courage for the prolonged battle.

Sometimes it appears that God's grace is the only reason that I'm still alive, there are many times when I question myself, my life moving forward without Erin, and whether I even want to keep living but breathe I continue as my desire to live outstrips my longing to fall asleep forever. In states of grief I've often asked God why he chose Erin as it wasn't her time, she had much more to accomplish, a dream vacation to Maine was planned, it's not fair to anyone involved, etc. Questions abound regarding her passing and my life but I've never doubted God's plan for me and I'm positive he will bless me again in the future. All I do is for him and in memory of Erin!!

Philippians 4:13 - I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me

Dogs love European Restaurants

A major perk of being a dog in Europe is the ability to enter dining establishments alongside humans and fortunately for Erin this luxury was discovered not long after arriving in Germany. We began to explore our surroundings in our adopted hometown of Mannheim and while wandering the snow covered streets, back alleys, parks, and riverbanks I peered inside a window of a local restaurant where to my surprise, there was a dog camped out next to a table. I tied my expat dog to a chair, proceeded to inquire as to whether I could enter with Erin and before I could utter "danke" we were both upstairs near a fireplace getting warm, dining on German cuisine, and enjoying our new life together. It was a major coup for us as rarely would I dine in Europe without her thus she would not be subjected to spending additional time alone.

The restaurant became a frequent haunt for me and Erin thus the staff learned her name very quickly as well as my dining preferences. We were usually shown a table upstairs where we shared meals with other canines quite often and never was there any disturbance or unruly behavior amongst the dogs; many folks didn't show there was a furry beast lying at my feet until we got up to leave the restaurant. The dogs that were allowed inside were always well behaved with advanced obedience skills so it seemed as if this was an elitist social club for the crème de la crème of the canine world. Erin concentrated upon me following the fork as it went from the plate to my mouth, patiently she waited until I sneaked her chunk of steak or some home fries which she devoured in a heartbeat. On occasion's when traffic was light and no other dogs were in the vicinity, the waitress would bring her a few biscuits in addition to the human goodies she received.

Another favorite place to dine with Erin was a Mandarin Chinese restaurant in our subdivision; we were welcomed with open arms, spent many evenings enjoying the owner's company while sharing the delicious food. The owner spoke of his journey from Asia to Germany decades ago, his family and the restaurant while inquiring about life in America, my job in Europe, and the dog. The staff knew little English and since my German was iffy, I usually resorted to pointing at whatever items were desired. While communication was a challenge, one thing we had in common was Erin whom the wait staff doted upon on a regular basis, they ensured she receive a decent amount of attention every visit. Dozens of visits and another dog inside can't be recalled, they were seen outside under the umbrellas with their human companions but it was peculiar that no other made their way inside, wonder if an exception was made for us. When the owner was informed of our move to Kosovo, he showed lots of emotion while exhibiting more love for Erin than ever before, it was very heartbreaking to say goodbye and witness his final moments with my girl.

 I did my best to locate a dining facility that welcomed dogs regardless of the location and success was achieved in many Western Europe countries. Some were less than desirable, barely suitable for a dog while others were fit for a queen or a doggie queen in this case. Decadent meals of excess were savored in the heart of The Swiss Alps, Belgrade, and France; these feasts were amazing in every way and Erin was the lucky recipient of table scraps that most folks would die for. Perfectly situated in the position to receive maximum food with little effort, she remained motionless until my attention was directed her way and huge slabs of beef, pork, veal etc. was gobbled down with bliss, and she certainly ate well across a dozen countries. On reflection those heavenly meals shared with Erin have topped most in terms of quality since returning to America and I feel so privileged to have spread the wealth with my best friend.

 A dog-friendly establishment in Innsbruck provided a very memorable meal as I wandered in with Erin where she promptly laid down under the table. Tugging and pulling on the leash soon began and she wouldn't stop despite my pleas, turns out the majority of tables had a dog underneath and a massive white creature was trying to say "hello." Released from my grip she strolled over to greet the Austrian beast, the folks sitting at the table before visiting a few more tables and then finding her way back to me. Always the social butterfly she was in her element and this was before the assorted meats, cheeses, and pancake soup arrived, then the good times really started. Nothing like strips of pancake soaked in broth to get a dog's attention; she scarfed down the semi-cooled treats as if it was her final meal and resumed socializing with dogs and customers alike.

 From Amsterdam to Northern Greece, we had so many memorable experiences as hundreds of meals were consumed in the company of each other and I can't ask for anything more. They provided opportunities for us to strengthen our bond and love while spending additional time with each other, not to mention the shared fabulous food. She was the perfect travel companion as well as my best friend!! RIP Erin!!

Time Heals All

The old adage "Time heals all" is an interesting saying and one that I believe is not entirely true as it pertains to me. While the passing of days will help soothe the pain, mend the heart, and slow the cascade of tears; the dull hollowed out ache inside continues and there's no guarantee that feeling with ever go away. The not so distant memories of a shattered heart, the eruption of tears at a moment’s notice and the dark film that layers life in general still haunt me and while those conditions have improved greatly with the tick-tocking of the clock, I wonder if they'll completely disappear as the years roll by.

I try to envision my life a year from now, 5 years, and even 20 years from this point and imagine what shape my heart and emotional psyche will be in from the aftermath of Erin's passing. There's no telling what pitfalls await me on the road to wellness but I believe life will be pretty good for the most part. That said, I expect my heart will never fully heal no matter the amount of time elapsed, how would it when half of it was taken away. Talking to others who have experienced major grief and reading books on the subject tell me I'm correct in my assumption, one never heals in full but the cut will scab over so it's tolerable.

As if on cue a perfect example of how I'm still vulnerable just occurred at a local coffee shop where this post is being written, guess these incidents happen for a reason. A lady whom I've seen around for years but have never spoken to approached the table and asked me "Don't you have a dog, I never see you without it?" What a punch in the stomach in addition to a shock to the system as this nameless woman asked about Erin, 8 months ago after her departure. So many days have passed and to have strangers still inquiring about her whereabouts chokes me up, it's difficult to not shed a few tears as I relay the news of her death. The abruptness of these inquiries always catches me off guard, remind me how sensitive a subject her passing remains, and reinforces the fact that my angel is truly departed. While it stings to speak of her passing, I've discovered it really is a compliment as folks rarely saw me without Erin.

A portion of my heart will never be touched again as that's where my love and other emotions for Erin reside. There is a void carved out by a million memories, so many shared smiles over a 12 year period and unconditional eternal love that time will never be able to fully fill in. My sorrow will certainly be eased by loving others and future loves will own a piece of my heart in the process but I'll forever have sacred ground where no one else is able to tread but my fur angel. If I live a thousand lifetimes and experience a million loves, there will always be a tinge of pain as I long for another special lifetime with Erin. RIP Erin!!

"The past is never dead, it is not even past. " ~William Faulkner

Life Goes On

The subject of Erin's death was always a forbidden subject, never did I allow the thought to enter my mind nor did I permit someone to bring up the frowned upon topic. To speak of the unwanted event would bring it much closer to fruition so such chatter was best avoided at all costs, it's my belief that speaking of negative subjects somehow bring them that much closer to occurring. Never did I think Erin would pass away or fail to exist in a physical form, not that I believed she was a goddess or some entity that would reign over this world for an eternity; it was just that I couldn't envision her in any other form than eternally beside me.

While humans are expected to outlive their pets and burying them is part of the human-animal relationship I was sure we would perish together. At the same moment our hearts were supposed to expire, the transition would be made in unison, and no more steps along this path would be taken, I'm sure this sounds crazy but everything I was and will be is because of the years spent with Erin. A destiny was awaiting me and it feels as if my fate was rerouted at the last minute, it doesn't feel right traveling down the road without my faithful sidekick. Sometimes I feel like "Lieutenant Dan" in "Forrest Gump", drifting afloat rudderless with the current awaiting a sign from God which I'm hoping will arrive in the near furture.

Lt. Dan: "You cheated me. I had a destiny. I was supposed to die in the field! With honor! That was my destiny"

Sometimes it's a wonder how I can hold my head above water, it would be too easy to subcumb to tragedy and be done with everything but I'm holding onto faith that something beautiful and exciting is awaiting me. It is said that God only saddles us with what we are able to handle thus he must believe I can handle extreme burden, grief, and guilt along with the weight of a building crushing me but tomorrow is a brand new day and I'm anxiously looking forward to it. Thanks to everybody who has supported me on this journey and embraced Erin's story!!! RIP Erin!!

The Journey

What a remarkable journey it was
Your life deserves much applause
You were no ordinary creature
If human you'd be a wise teacher

From the countryside you came
The city you staked a claim
You blazed a trail far and wide
With passion and love your guide

Friends were never betrayed
An enemy was never made
With olive branches extended
Your relationships were so splendid

Around the world we traveled
Our thread of love never unraveled
Many sights many sounds
Our time abroad never fails to astounds

An angel in disguise you were
A great therapy dog all concur
The ailing welcomed your touch
Heartbroken were comforted so much

Beautiful in so many ways
Heaven was found in that soulful gaze
An eternity could be spent by your side
My yearning leaves me teary eyed

Time together was a magical dream
All alone I'm being swept downstream
A million memories etched in my brain
Ten million tears have fallen like rain

Your impact is beyond human measure
Our years will always be a sacred treasure
Hope you'll guide me from high above
As my compass will be your beacon of love

Your body is now free of aches and pain
I envision you chasing squirrels in the rain
So glad I was there at the very end
Thus your journey was made with a friend

RIP Erin!! 1998-2010